Look Upon Death
by Gleek4Snix
Summary: "My biggest fear was never death, what came after it was." How dying made Rachel find her way to happiness. SPOILER: No actual death... Pezberry fic COMPLETED


**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello everyone. I'm back! To the ones who read my other fics, I am so sorry that I haven't uploaded in such a long time but I have lacked inspiration to write for a while now but I'm working on getting back to them and don't worry, I haven't abandoned ANY of them, even if it looks like I have. I will finish them all. So yeah, sorry.**

**Anyway, meanwhile, I saw this "what if Rachel died?" video on youtube followed by Santana's performance of "If I Die Young" and then this fic came to my head and I had to get it out. So here it is.**

**I hope you enjoy it :)**

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My biggest fear was never death, what came after it was.

We all ask ourselves sometimes in our lives, stupid questions, like '_What if I died? What would happen? Am I going to heaven or hell? Do any of them exist? What if they don't? Do I simply stop existing?'_ these questions have all crossed my mind but the one that always made me cry at the thought of my own death was _'Will anyone still remember me after I'm gone?'_.

The fear of being forgotten, the fear of not having made a difference while I lived.

And now, I know all the answers to these questions. There's no such thing as heaven or hell, there's just a giant world of everything and nothing. I can see everything, hear everything around me but touch nothing, be heard or seen by no one. The living world that is. But there's no one with me, not one single soul. I am completely alone for all eternity and all I have is the painful visual of everyone caring on with their lives after I died.

I have only been like this for 5 hours and I feel nothing about my own death. If I don't, why would anybody? The emptiness in my chest is contrasted by the madness going around this hospital.

_-"Mr. Berry?"_ – I hear one of the nurses on the phone – _"I am calling from the Brooklyn Hospital Center. I have been trying to contact you for a while now but neither you nor your husband seemed to be reachable."_ – The nurse stops speaking for a while and I can just imagine my dads bombarding her with questions. – _"Yes, something has happened to your daughter. You and your husband should come here… Yes I understand completely but I am not allowed to talk to you about the matter through the phone, you should come down here even if it takes hours… Of course, is there someone else I should contact that maybe is closer to the hospital? Santana Lopez and Kurt Hummel?"_ \- The nurse scribbles down some information that I assume is Santana and Kurt's phone numbers and she excuses herself before she hung up the phone.

My dads were definitely the ones who would take my loss the harshest. They have raised me, cherished me, and loved me from day one. No parent should have to go through the loss of their own daughter. This thought makes my heart turn numbness into a sting of pain in my chest. My life has ended but theirs hasn't. They need to move on but I find this thought hard to believe. Maybe a couple of years down the road they can forget me and continue living their lives as they deserved it.

Everything just seems to go by so fast. The nurses, doctors, the patients and their families. All is a blur until I hear someone frantic behind me.

_-"I need to get some information"_ – I look behind me and sure enough there's Kurt running towards the balcony with Santana right behind him – _"Rachel Berry! Where is she? Is she okay? Please, someone say something!"_

_-"Hi, I am Nurse Melinda White. I was the one who contacted you."_ – She extends her hand to Kurt and Santana and both take it with concern in their eyes.

_-"Please, tell us what happened" _– Kurt continues in a frenzy.

_-"Very well, Rachel's parents said it was okay to tell you. Rachel was victim of a mugging and came into the ER with a stab wound to her abdomen. She lost a lot of blood…"_ – I knew what was coming next and I wasn't ready to hear someone say it, even if I had said it to myself a million times. Hearing someone say it makes it a thousand times more real.

I turn around as fast as I can and run out of there. I needed to get out. To where? I don't know. I just needed some fresh air. Oh god! I am dead… No, no, no, no. I run as fast as I can, desperate to feel something. Can I still feel anything? The nerves are building up, I can feel my heart racing, my head swirling, and my eyes ready to burst. I cross the entrance doors and my tears just crumble down my face, I have never sobbed over a breeze running through my face in my life.

A mixture of a cry and a laugh gets out and I let myself fall down on my knees in relieve. I can still feel. How? I don't know. I can't touch anything, I can't feel anything but the wind of air living a trail of cold as it passes through my tears.

I look around and some people are talking among themselves as if nothing has happened. They are just there, laughing and taking a smoke while other people are going through a life or death moment inside the same building they are laughing in front of, without a care in a world. Why would they care though? It's not their lives on the line… until one day it is and in that day the same will happen to them, instead they will be inside that hospital while other people are here, doing the exact same thing they are.

I walk around the hospital until I find a quiet place to stay. It takes me awhile but I manage to find it. There's a cement bench isolated from anything else, with only the back door of the hospital behind it.

I sat down and I try to remember what had happened to me. Only fuzziness of a memory crosses my mind. Nothing specific nor detailed. I can remember a lean figure only a few inches taller than me no face but a feminine voice and then all of a sudden a stabbing pain, she had never felt so much excruciating pain followed by a cold and numbness throughout all of her body but that's it. Next thing I know I'm beside my own body.

The door behind me swings open and both Kurt and Santana come out. Kurt has tear stained eyes and Santana is paler than I had ever seen her.

_-"Santana, are you okay?" _– Concern is clear in his voice.

_-"Of course. Why wouldn't I be? It's not like the midget and I were close anyway."_ – Santana's words hit me harder than the stab wound had felt. Santana has been my main support in the few months we had been living together. I care for her more than I am able to admit even to myself but now I know all of my feelings were one sided. Santana clearly still saw me as the Lima loser I once was. Our friendship had actually never existed, it was just an illusion I was living with. _–"Can you please leave me alone now?"_ – Her voice had soften considerably, almost to a tone that led me to believe she would start crying but obviously, I heard it wrong. It was just a despair to want to be alone. I knew Santana always preferred time alone than be with someone beside her.

Kurt only nods his head and heads inside.

Santana looks behind her and breaks down crying when she's sure Kurt can no longer see her. My heart breaks. I had never seen her cry, I had never seen her this vulnerable. Did she always do this? Cried alone and never told anyone how she really felt about things?

_-"Santana?"_ – I say and step closer to her. She doesn't hear me. – "_Santana? Please don't cry. Please?!" _– I say eliciting once again no reaction. Santana couldn't hear me. I feel a new wave of tears streaming down my eyes. _– "Santana, please?! Santana… I'm here"._ – I seat beside her on the floor and put my hand over hers but my hand goes right through her body. Santana's body is shaking. She has her head hidden between her arms. We both just stood there, my crying had stopped only a few tears would fall from time to time but Santana was still crying.

A phone rings and Santana turns the call off before the phone can ring a second time. Seconds later the phone rings again, this time Santana looks at the caller ID and so do I. It was Brittany, the girl that held Santana's heart for the longest of times but Santana just turns the call off again. Brittany is persistent and calls her once again. This time Santana picks up.

_-"Brittany, leave me alone! I don't want to talk."_ – Santana screams her response. I don't think I had ever seen her like this, I don't think she ever talked to Brittany like this.

_-"San, please just talk to me. Kurt told me what happened"_ – I hear on the other side of the line.

_-"There's nothing to talk about."_ – She stubbornly says but Rachel can see her broken features. She had never imagined that Santana would have taken her death so hard.

_-"San… I know how you felt about her" _– how she felt about me? What is she talking about?

Santana's crying turns into heavy sobbing and all I can think off is how I can't hug her right now. How I can't tell her that everything will be okay. How I can't say that she will always have me by her side. I clean the tears on my face and reach out to clean Santana's but I stop as I remember that it would not work. She would not feel me. I can't touch her. I can't talk to her. All I can do is listen.

_-"What am I supposed to say?"_

_-"I don't know but you need to talk to someone and I know you won't talk to Kurt about this. Did she know?"_

_-"Know what?"_ – I ask as if they could hear me.

_-"No"_

_-"Know what?!"_ – My voice raises significantly.

_-"Why didn't you tell her?"_

_-"Yeah, why didn't you tell me? What are you talking about?"_ – My curiosity is hitching more than ever. What is happening here?

_-"Why would I? It's not like she felt the same. Plus, it doesn't matter now. I can't talk to her anymore. I can never tell her how I feel. I can never say "I love you" to her, I can't see her smile when I make a joke anymore, I can't hear her sing when she attempts to cook anymore, I can't hear her rambling over how one of her teacher's is completely and utterly unprofessional. I can't thank her for forgiving me after I was a bitch to her throughout High School, I can't tell her how much she made me a better person. I can't anything with her anymore."_ – Did she say she love me?

My head can't stop spinning, my heart is racing, and my hands are trembling.

_-"San, everything will be okay"_

My throat is in a knot, my feet are cold, and my neck is losing strength.

_-"How do you know? She—"_

_-"Santana! Come back in, now!"_ \- Kurt screams and that's all I saw.

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_-"Rachel? Rachel? How are you feeling?" _– Someone is hovering over me.

_-"Where am I?"_ – I feel my head light, my body soar and my mouth dry and sticky. I clean it with my hand _'ew gross'. _I focus my eyes on the person beside me and it's a doctor.

_-"You're in a hospital."_ – The doctor says

_-"What? What happened?"_

_-"You got mugged and the robber stabbed you in the abdomen. You lost a lot of blood and you slipped into a coma for a little bit but fortunately you woke up. I'm checking your vitals right now and everything seems to be back to place. There's some people here to see you." _– As I look at the door I see a smiling Kurt and a sobbing Santana Lopez. _– "I'll come back in a moment"_ \- Suddenly everything hit me.

_-"Santana?" –_ I smile in her direction and I can see her sigh in relief giving me one of her biggest smiles.

_-"Hey"_ – She steps inside slowly and I look at Kurt with an apologetic look.

_-"Kurt, I'm so sorry, would you mind giving us a minute?" _– Kurt's face falls a little but then he gives me a small smile and nods before he leaves and closes the door behind him.

_-"Are you alright?" _– Santana asks with concern in her voice.

_-"Not really. My body is soar as hell and the pain killers I assume, are the reason my head is feeling so fuzzy."_ – She nods and I see the fear in her eyes, all I can think is what I heard between her and Brittany just a few moments ago – _"Can you come closer, please?"_

_-"Yes of course"_ – She takes a few steps forward and is closer to my bed.

_-"No, closer. I need to tell you a secret. Come here"-_ Santana looks over her shoulder for some reason I'm not sure about but then she does so and leans a bit down so I can confide in her.

I put my hand behind her neck and bring her down to me. We lock eyes for just a second before I close the distance between us. The kiss is slow but with more passionate than even words can't describe. I can only regret not had done this sooner. How could I be so blind? How could I almost let her slip away from me? I end the kiss and I can see Santana's confused expression and the little smile that's playing on her lips.

_-"I'm done hiding! I know you like me too and I'm not willing to let another day pass that you don't know how I feel about you… Unless you tell me to back off."_ – I say with confidence.

Santana's only response was to close the distance between us and kiss me again.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hiiiiii, so, this is the end. **

**What did you guys think? Give me your feedback on the fic, tell me what you thought. Good or bad as long as the bad is respectful criticism and not hate. But yeah, any kind of feedback is welcome.**

**Thank you so much for reading,**

**Liliana C. aka Gleek4Snix**


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